


A Really Bat Joke

by orphan_account



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Batman Europa, Bruce Wayne is Batman, Implied Sexual Content, Other, batjokes is implied but it's one-sided
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-24
Updated: 2019-05-24
Packaged: 2020-03-13 11:27:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18940003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Bruce Wayne wakes up in the Joker's cell after being kissed by Poison Ivy...No explicit content and the whole story doesn't contain anything worse than you might find in a DC Black Label comic. It was just a fun worst-case scenario character study involving Arkham City style Joker and Batman. Most of the potentially inappropriate stuff comes from Joker ribbing Bruce.





	1. Before you read

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a note on the story before you read it. This story does contain references to stuff that might be inappropriate for some audiences, like I said in the summary, though, nothing explicit.
> 
> Warning: implied sexual content and implied non consensual relationship

This story may attempt to look at the relationship between Joker and Batman and see what makes them tick. The Joker's one-sided obsession with Batman is sometimes going to be made apparent in his dialogue, and there may also be hinted profanity as well as thinly veiled sexual references. There may also be graphic depictions of violence, as the Joker does randomly murder people in the comics.  

There may also be somewhat of a character "death" here, as the Joker has figured out Batman's other identity, and, depending on what mood Joker's in, that could be very dangerous or harmless. Anyway, the outcomes may not be that great for Batman in this story, and you've been warned. 

Again, this story will potentially contain implied sexual content, mostly in the form of inappropriate jokes from the Joker, implied batjokes content, which is implying that Batman and Joker are in something bordering on a romantic relationship, and implied non consensual content, as in this story Batman is drugged. Again, I haven't written it so that it is explicit, but I thought I would warn you anyway.

If you do not like stories like this, even though the content is rather mild, feel free not to read it.

I don't want to surprise or scare off any of my readers, since I don't usually write things like this. 

If you want to continue reading, the story begins on chapter two.

 

 

If you enjoy the story, please leave feedback letting me know to continue. I've been playing with a lot ideas.


	2. Before you read

Batman awoke to an acrid sulfur smell and the taste of rot in his mouth. Whatever he was lying on was hard and the ceiling was drippy. At first, he thought he was in the bat cave, but the smell was all wrong. 

It smelled like...

_Arkham..._

"Hoo hee hoo hee!" A rickety laugh shook through his head. 

 _"_ Joker!" Batman yelled, springing up off of the pale man's cot. 

The mad laughter continued. 

"Well well look who's finally back to his senses!" Joker said. 

Without thinking, Batman lunged at the clown and hoisted him up against the wall.

"What the **** do you think you're doing!"  

"Well...maybe I spoke too soon..." Joker said.

The mad laughter continued. 

"My my Brucie, someone certainly got up on the wrong side of my bed this morning!" 

"What are you talking about?" Batman demanded. 

Joker just smiled. 

"My my..temper temper rich boy," Joker said while calmly taking Bruce Wayne's hands off of his suit and pulling a knife.

"Why do you keep calling me Bruce Wayne?" Batman demanded. 

"...because that is your name...isn't it?" 

Batman rubbed his eyes. He noticed bare skin. 

_Oh no!_

"My my what kinds of drugs have you been using? Do you per chance have any for me? _"_

Batman frantically started feeling his face. The Joker just let out another laugh. 

 _"_ Did you honestly think I wouldn't see through that horrible disguise _?"_

Batman froze. 

"You-you know?" Bruce said in a stammer. 

Joker nodded his head and widened his smile. 

Bruce Wayne froze. 

"Well, it wasn't really that hard to figure out---" 

_This. Cannot. Be. Happening._

Bruce Wayne braced himself for the inevitable. If the Joker knows who he is...

" _Matches Malone _...did you really think you'd hide your identity with a cheap suit, a bad accent, and a fake mustache? How you insult my intelligence, Mr. Wayne!"__

____

Upon hearing the name of his mob identity, Bruce Wayne relaxed a little. 

____

"What happened?" Bruce asked. 

____

"You...don't remember, do you?" Joker said with a wide knowing smile. 

____

"Ooh! Let's just say I could blackmail you until you're old and gray," the Joker's voice rose into that familiar high pitched squeal. 

____

Joker continued to stare at Bruce. The clown suddenly grabbed him by his jacket and tried, but failed, to lift him off of the ground. The Joker pulled and strained a little again, and when that didn't work, he just put his arm around him and tried to rest his face on his shoulder. Bruce quickly removed it. 

____

The Joker sighed. 

____

"Well, that is if anyone cared. I know you rich folks, though. You types could get away with murder. A routine scandal like what happened last night would only make you more popular, and the people of Gotham are already crazy about you; I don't want to encourage them."

____

"How did I get in your cell?" Bruce Wayne asked. 

____

The bored clown twisted his face into a frown and sat back on his cot. 

____

"The better question to ask me would probably be, "how am I still alive?" You rich people kill me! You think all of your money and influence makes you invincible! Do you know how easily I could kill you if I wanted to?" 

____

Joker's voice rose in pitch until it was like a high-pitched squeal. His voice broke into something almost human but it was gone in a split second. 

____

The clown grabbed his sides and let out a long laugh before trying compose himself and  

____

"I am still curious as to why you were sneaking about in your little trench coat, playing detective, though Bruce," the clown said with a toothy grin. 

____

Bruce Wayne noticed that the Joker was fingering a razor blade. Without warning, he threw it in Bruce's direction. Wayne dodged it clumsily. 

____

Joker laughed. 

____

"If you're wondering why I left you alive, it's because what happened last night was so funny--you-you should be a comedian, Bruce! There you were, drunk out of your mind on some substance Poison Ivy slipped you, claiming you were trying to solve some case involving missing children. You even, you even, claimed that you Bat--na ha ha ha! You thought you were Bat--ha ha ha! I can't even say it! It's so funny," 

____

The clown looked at Bruce Wayne again and burst into another fit of giggles. 

____

"You? Na ha ha ha! Wait until I see Batman again! I will tell him--everything!"

____

 The Joker gave Bruce a look of disapproval and pushed him onto the cot. 

____

"You should _leaf_ the detective work to the professionals, kiddo!" Joker said in a sing-songy voice before breaking into another cackle.

____

The clown then opened the cell door and nonchalantly shoved Bruce out and onto the hard concrete.   

____

"You'll hear from my lawyer!" Bruce said. 

____

Joker just laughed. 

____

"...that's funny...I didn't know dead men could get lawyers,"  

____

Bruce stared back at the pasty faced man. 

____

"Well, you don't think I'd let us spend all of that time together last night and not leave you with a little parting gift, do you?" 

____

"Parting gift?" Bruce asked in a confused tone. 

____

"Yes, something sure to bring a smile to your face. It was administered at midnight while I was pretending to patch you up, so that means you have..." the Joker looked at an imaginary watch. 

____

Bruce's eyes grew wide. 

____

"...until 12:00..." 

____

Joker smiled and waved. 

____

"Enjoy the last few hours of your life; don't forget to make out your will!" 

____

 

____

 

____


	3. Chapter 3

 

The clown watched Bruce leave. 

_Really? How stupid do you think I am, Batman?_

Joker sat back in his cell and tried to suppress a giggle, not because he finally found out Bats' flesh mask. No, he had known about that for a long time. It was just so funny when Batman tried to hide it! 

_The look on his face when he thought I knew his big secret!_

"Na ha ha ha ha!" the giggles came in fits as he recalled last night's activities. 

Joker leaned against the wall of his cell and took a deep breath, trying to suppress all of the laughter and failing miserably. 

_Y'know, when they say 'know thine enemy,' I don't think they had that in mind, Bats!_

"Tee hee hee hee!" 

Exhausted from laughter, the clown plopped down on his rock hard cell cot. 

"Let's just say I've gotten to know him better than he probably wanted,"

The clown went into another fit of giggles. He then sighed. 

 

* * *

Bruce hurried back to Wayne manor and made a bee line for the bat cave. After running a few tests, he discovered he was infected with Joker toxin. It was some of the original strain, and he already had some vaccines prepared for it so it wasn't life threatening--yet. 

Before he did anything else, he filled a syringe and plunged the antivenin into his veins. He looked at the clock. It was 11:30. Had there been any unexpected delays, he could have been dead by now, but that was just one of the hazards of the job. 

Batman sat down at his computer and sighed. He had once again successfully avoided being killed by the madman, but last night was still a blur. All he remembered was being kissed "good night" by one of the lab assistants. 

_Probably Ivy in disguise._

Joker's disgusting comments and grating laughter echoed through his mind. 

_He doesn't know; does he?_

Batman rubbed his temples trying to remember what happened that night. He started getting a headache. 

_When I approached Ivy, I was Bruce Wayne...well, Matches Malone...I wasn't wearing the bat suit and he also tried to poison me using toxins he's convinced Batman is immune to. He doesn't know._

Bruce let out a sigh of relief and then pinched the bridge of his nose and rubbed his forehead. 

_I am going to have to be much more careful in the future. That whole thing was a fiasco, and I could have been killed._

The man shuddered as he recalled waking up in the Joker's creepy damp cell. Bruce moved his tongue in his mouth and still tasted that strange rotten sulfur taste. He didn't want to know what it was. Joker's words echoed back to his mind. 

_The things we did. You really don't want to know. I will tell Batman, though, everything, ha ha!_

Bruce shook himself out of his thoughts. 

_I need to finish finding those missing children!_

Wearily, Batman turned back to the computer and got to work. 

"Oracle, have we located any of the missing orphans?" Batman asked. 

"Bruce? Are you okay? You disappeared last night!" 

"I was doing undercover work," Batman said.

"What did you find out?" Oracle asked. 

"It was a dead end," Batman said. 

"I've been researching on my end, too. The only thing the children have in common is that they were living in the same foster home. I'll give you an address," Oracle said. 

* * *

 

After getting some much needed rest, Joker decided to escape and find Batman. After last night, he wasn't about to miss a chance to rub it in Batman's face! 

_Ooh! I can't wait for tonight! Batman's just gonna die..._

Joker then started laughing manically as he combed his hair and stepped out of his cell. 

Batman was, predictably, waiting on the roof of the GCPD building. Gordon was talking about something regarding him recovering missing children from an upstart kidnapper who wanted to hold them for ransom. 

Joker found the conversation all very boring. A yawn escaped his mouth as he waited patiently. The last of his bombs had been planted, and now it was time to spring into action. 

Just after Gordon finished shaking Batman's hand, Joker made his move. 

* * *

 

A bullet suddenly ricocheted off of a wall almost hitting Gordon's head. Batman and Gordon quickly whipped around. 

"Na ha ha ha!" Joker wheezed. It was a forced laugh that almost broke into a cough. 

"What do you want, you lunatic?" Batman shouted. 

"Why, your undivided attention, as usual, of course!" Joker said. 

Batman moved toward him like he was going to hit him, but Joker raised a hand and wagged a finger. 

"Uh-uh. We don't have time for fun right now, Bats. I've planted four deadly bombs full of Joker venom around the city, and you only have..." 

The Joker paused and looked somewhere in front of him, like he was looking at an imaginary timer on screen...

"Gasp! Two hours? Why, that's not a lot of time at all!"

Batman leaped down and sprung into action. Joker giggled and took a seat atop the GCPD building so that he could get a better view. Batman would somehow disarm the bombs in time, and then they would be back to their all too familiar dance. It happened every time. 

"Oh! I forgot my popcorn!" Joker said. 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Author's Note: 
> 
> Yikes! I'm not very good at writing comedy, and that's kind of essential for a good Joker and Batman interaction. The rest of this story may be coming out eventually. Until then, though, feel free to tell me what you think!


End file.
